Fanfiction 3
by hollybridgetpeppermint
Summary: Holly, Artemis, and Foaly play a special edition of Jeopardy, which turns into chaos my specialty! Muahaha...


(Normal Jeopardy set. Artemis Fowl, Holly Short, and Foaly are there. Artemis and Holly look puzzled, but Foaly doesn't.)

Artemis: Holly? Uh…hello. What are you doing here?

Holly: Couldn't tell you for a million…well, a million of whatever money you chose to give me. I thought you might know, so I came over to ask you.

Artemis: Oh. No, I really have absolutely no idea why we're here.

Holly: Hmmm. Looks like that one Mud Person TV show…what do you call it again?

Artemis: I don't know.

Holly: Wow…Hey everybody! Hey! It's a world record!

Artemis: What?

Holly: (still yelling) Hey, everyone! Artemis Fowl, the know-it-all, the great Artemis Fowl Junior who has the answer to every question you care to ask, doesn't know! Wow! Get out your cameras! Get out your tape recorders, and I'll try and make him say it again! (to Artemis) Hey, what was that you said? I didn't quite hear.

Artemis: Oh, be quiet, Holly.

Holly: Wow, that's a nice way to treat me.

Artemis: You deserved it.

(Holly looks at him for a minute, then punches him.)

Artemis: Ow! Hey, what was that for?

Holly: You know perfectly well what that was for.

(She waits till he stands up, then punches him again.)

Artemis: Owwww! (glares at her)

Holly: Well, you did insult me!

Artemis: You only punched me once when I KIDNAPPED you, for goodness' sake!

(Holly pulls back her fist, and Artemis ducks as though expecting another blow. Holly laughs.)

Holly: Fooled you, didn't I?

Artemis: AAARGH!

Holly: So, anyway, what were we saying? Oh yeah, about why we were here. Hmmm…so, what do you do on this TV show?

Artemis: And as_ I_ was saying, how am I supposed to know? I don't watch TV!

Holly: Oh…right.

Artemis: Ha. However, I think I do remember something about it…It's called Jeopardy. I think you answer questions to get money, and whoever has the most money at the end wins.

Holly: Oh, answering questions to get money. How very creative. (muttering) You Mud People, honestly, NO brains whatsoever in the lot of you.

Artemis: Well, thank you.

Holly: (sarcastically) Oh, I humbly apologize. I will serve you forever, Your Majesty.

(Bows down at his feet.)

Artemis: Thank you. Now, why don't we stop with the play-acting and see if we can figure this out logically.

Holly: Oh, great idea. I NEVER would have thought of that.

Artemis: Ahem. Now, I am fairly sure that to get into this show, you have to enter.

Holly: So what are you say—wait a minute, are you saying YOU entered us?

Artemis: No, that is NOT what I am saying. However, I do believe there's one other person who could have entered us.

Holly: (sarcastic again) Who? The sign?

Artemis: You.

Holly: Not a chance.

Artemis: Well, you're more likely to have than me!

Holly: Are you kidding? YOU'RE the Mud Boy around here! This show belongs to YOUR race! I wouldn't be surprised if you'd bought it and were running it right now!

Artemis: (still calm) Now, let's get this straight. I did not enter us. You did not enter us. So who else could have done it?

Holly: (turns around) Foaly!

Artemis: Oh…yes. Foaly?

Foaly: Hm? Oh, yes…I mean no…I mean…well, anyway, I had nothing (snicker) to do (hee hee) with (snort) it. HAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

Holly: Well, now we know who entered us. Foaly, I'm warning you…

(Jeopardy music starts playing, and audience applaud as host walks in.)

Host: Hello, and welcome to Jeopardy. Today we have a special edition and some special guests. Would you like to introduce yourselves?

Holly: (into microphone) Hi, I'm Holly Short, and I WANT TO KNOW WHAT UNDER EARTH I AM DOING HERE!

(Creates static. Microphone emits shrieks, and everyone covers their ears except Holly. She smirks.)

Artemis, it's your turn.

Artemis: Ow! (glares at Holly, then sighs and talks into the microphone.) Hello. My name is Artemis Fowl Junior, and I am a genius.

Holly: (grabs the mike and talks into it) And a know-it-all.

Artemis: Holly, you are ruining my dignity.

Holly: (grins evilly) I know.

Artemis: (sighs again and gives the microphone to Foaly) Here.

Foaly: Hey all, I'm Foaly and I'm a technical genius for, uh, the EPL.

Audience member: What's the EPL?

Foaly: It's…uh…it's Extra-Precautionary Landmarks.

Audience member: Ooooh!

(Audience whisper among themselves.)

Audience members: Oh! Wow! My goodness! The EPL! Cool! Oh, where are my camera and tape recorder when I need them!

Host: So anyway, that's done. Now let's start…Artemis Fowl Jeopardy! But first, a commercial.

(Boy and mother walk on.)

Boy: …so then I—

Light turns off.

Boy: Hey! Who turned out all the lights?

Voice from unknown area: Buy an Illumination light bulb! Buy one, get one free! Only $19.99! This way, you'll never have to say—

Boy: Hey! Who turned out all the lights?

(Jeopardy music plays, audience applauds again.)

Host: Okay, we're back with you again for the first round of Artemis Fowl Jeopardy! And here are our contestants: Holly Short, Artemis Fowl, and Foaly!

(Contestants step up and bow as their names are called.)

Host: All right. You know what to do?

Holly: Could you explain it to me again?

Host: Sure. It's simple. You answer questions to gain money. Whoever gets the most money, wins. They get the amount of money they won with, as well as some great prizes!

Holly: And what might those prizes be?

Host: That's a secret.

Holly: Oh.

Host: So, let's get started! Our categories for this round are:

Artemis Fowl.

Artemis Fowl: The Arctic Incident.

Artemis Fowl Personality.

Holly Short Personality.

Foaly Personality.

Commander Root Personality.

And finally, Miscellaneous.

Okay, who'd like to go first?

Holly: I will!

Host: Okay, go ahead.

Holly: Ummm…

Host: What?

Holly: What do I do?

Host: (claps hand to forehead) Pick a category!

Holly: Okay! Let's see…Holly Short Personality.

Host: Okay.

(Silence.)

Holly: Ummm…aren't you going to ask the question?

Host: Aargh! You have to pick your money first!

Holly: Huh?

Host: Pick, from those up there (gestures to screen) how much money you are going to get if you get the question right.

Holly: Ohhh! Umm…let's see…

Foaly: (whispers) The more money, the harder the question!

Holly: (whispers back) Oh. Thanks.

Foaly: (still whispering) No trouble.

Holly: Okay…how about five thousand?

Host: All right. Ahem. What is Holly Short's favorite color?

Holly: What? That's easy! Blue!

Host: Right!

Holly: (to Foaly) But I thought you said…

Foaly: Uh, Holly…you picked the category about you! What did you expect?

Holly: Oh, right.

Host: Okay! It's Holly's turn again!

Holly: Woohoo! Holly Short Personality…two thousand.

Host: What is Holly Short's favorite activity besides LEP missions?

Holly: Oh, come on! It's playing video games!

Host: Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd she's…right!

Holly: That was easy, too! I think you people need some harder questions!

Host: Holly, go ahead.

Holly: What, again?

Host: (trying to keep patience) YES. Every time you get a question right, you get to go again.

Holly: Oh. Okay…Holly Short Personality. Ummm…one thousand.

Host: How did Holly Short get into the LEP as a captain?

Holly: Come ON already! I shot Root with a paint gun!

Host: Correct.

Holly: (sarcastically) Hmm, I wonder what I'll pick next. Let's see, how about Holly Short Personality. Five hundred.

Host: Okay. Who is Holly Short's favorite "punching bag?"

Holly: (incredulously) Artemis Fowl, who else!

Host: Okay.

Holly: Holly Short Personality, ten thousand.

Host: If Holly were not an LEP officer, what would she be?

Holly: A gymnast!

Host: Good. Now, since that was the last question in the Holly Short Personality category, pick another category.

Holly: Okay, let's see. How about Artemis Fowl, the Arctic Incident? And, um, five hundred.

Host: Right you are. What did Artemis call Holly when she was flying the ship towards Koboi Labs?

Holly: Ummm…I don't know…A daredevil?

Host: No, sorry. Anyone else know?

Artemis: Obviously. I called her a flyboy.

Holly: Oh, yeah, I remember that. How did you remember that just then—I mean—

Artemis: How could I forget?

Holly: (narrows eyes) What do you mean?

Artemis: Ummm…I just meant…It was one of my better insults.

Holly: (innocently) Oh. Okay.

Host: Very good, Artemis. It's your turn.

Artemis: Very well. Artemis Fowl Personality. For ten thousand.

Host: What does Artemis Fowl want to be when he grows up?

Artemis: (smirks) A criminal mastermind. Unfortunately for you, however, I already am. I am beginning to think maybe I should start stealing from this show.

Host: Noooooo! My wages! (Looks at Holly.) Punch him for me, will ya?

Holly: I only punch him when I feel like it. Although, come to think of it…

Artemis: (hastily) Back to the subject, please. Artemis Fowl Personality, for five thousand.

Host: Hmmm…What is Artemis' favorite activity besides…ehm…criminal mastermind-ing?

Artemis: The correct term would be "masterminding criminal operations." As for the answer to the question, it is painting.

Host: Fine, masterminding criminal operations. And you're right.

Artemis: Please use correct grammar.

Host: What do you mean?

Artemis: (sighs) You never begin a sentence with "and."

Host: AAAAARGH!

Artemis: I believe it is still my turn.

Host: (composing himself) Right.

Artemis: Artemis Fowl Personality, two thousand.

Host: What is Artemis' favorite color?

Artemis: Aqua.

Host: Er…I have green.

Artemis: Then your information is wrong.

Host: It can't be wrong.

Artemis: I believe I know my own favorite color.

Host: I'm sorry, that answer is wrong.

Artemis: Oh, is it? I might remind you that it must be quite easy to take money from this show, the main principle being that a popular television program such as this would either have their money in a bank account, which is but the work of a moment to hack into with my computer, or—

Host: Okay, okay! Fine, you got that question right! Just leave my salary alone!

Artemis: Thank you. Now then, Artemis Fowl Personality for one thousand, please.

Host: Er…How did Artemis Fowl become a criminal mastermind?

Artemis: That is an utterly obvious question, the answer being that what with my genius, it was a simple matter to learn to hack into computer banks and other devices, in addition to the fact that my father was a criminal for a while as well, at least somewhat.

Host: Could you put that in English for me? The rest of us aren't familiar with your foreign language.

Artemis: That was English, for your information. However, for matters of convenience, I will abandon my extensive vocabulary and speak in a "normal" way, although I do believe that the slang people use nowadays should be abolished. My answer in "normal" speaking would be: My father was a criminal for a period of time—

Host: Ahem.

Artemis: All right. My father was a criminal for a _while_, and I am a genius.

Host: That's correct.

Artemis: Thank you. Artemis Fowl Personality for 500.

Host: Who does Artemis confide in most?

Artemis: If I must confide in anyone at all, it is Butler. However, this does not happen very often.

Host: So your answer is…?

Artemis: (sighs and resists urge to roll eyes) Butler.

Host: Correct. Now, since all the Artemis Fowl Personality questions are used up, you will have to choose a new category.

Artemis: I am perfectly aware of that. Artemis Fowl for ten thousand.

Host: Recite to me the first three verses in The Booke of the People.

Artemis: That is quite easy. Carry me always, carry me well.

I am thy teacher of herb and spell.

I am thy link to power arcane.

Forget me and thy magick shall wane.

Ten times ten commandments there be.

They will answer every mystery.

Cures, curses, alchemy.

These secrets shall be thine through me.

But, Fairy, remember this above all.

I am not for those in mud that crawl.

And forever doomed shall be the one,

Who betrays my secrets one by one.

Host: Aren't you going to complain about that using bad grammar too?

Artemis: No. It is a poem, and in poems you must make allowances, since they have to have rhyme and rhythm.

Host: Fine. You're right.

Artemis: All right. So now, my score is…?

Host: Uh…$29,500.

Artemis: Thank you. Now, I think, Artemis Fowl for five thousand.

Host: What part of Fowl Manor does Holly Short think of shooting when she's there, both the first and second times?

Artemis: Ah…Her cell? No, wait, that doesn't make sense, not the second time. The door—that is, so we couldn't get in or out?

Host: Your final answer is…

Artemis: The door.

Host: Wrong. Anyone else?

Holly: I know! I know!

Host: Well?

Holly: The portraits!

Host: Very good, Holly. You now have…um…$23,500.

Holly: Okay, let's see…Miscellaneous for 500.

Host: (clears throat) Okay…What excuse did Holly use in the Arctic Incident when she told Commander Root that she was coming with him to rescue Artemis' father?

Holly: (puts hand on gun) What do you mean, excuse?

Host: (looks nervously at Holly's hand on gun) Ummm…just that, well…what _reason_, then?

Holly: Oh, what _reason_, huh? Okay. I think I said that I was the best shuttle pilot he had.

Host: Yes.

Holly: Let's try…Commander Root Personality for 500.

Host: What is Commander Root famous for?

Holly: Getting so angry his face turns purple. Or red. Or pink.

Host: Good.

Holly: Commander Root Personality for 1000, please.

Host: What is Commander Root's nickname among the LEP officers?

Holly: Er…(looks around) Are you sure he's not watching?

Host: Positive. (whispers) Not.

Holly: Beetroot.

Host: Absolutely correct.

Holly: Commander Root Personality for two thousand.

Host: What is Commander Root's favorite activity, besides bossing people around?

Holly: Ummm…calling Foaly names?

Host: Right.

Holly: Commander Root Personality, five thousand.

Host: Okay…What is Commander Root's favorite color?

Holly: Is it green?

Host: Uh-huh.

Holly: Commander Root Personality for ten thousand.

Host: If Commander Root was not a commander in the LEP, what would he be doing?

Holly: Hmmm…I don't know…would he design houses?

Artemis: Where did you get that idea?

Holly: I really have no clue. I just guessed.

Host: Anyone else?

Foaly: I know! He would be a commander of something else!

Host: Correct.

Foaly: Foaly Personality for 500.

Host: What is Foaly's favorite Mud Man TV show? And by the way, what on earth is Mud Man?

Holly: It…er…

Artemis: Ahem. It has come to my attention that you used incorrect grammar again.

Host: And just what can _you _do about it, huh?

Artemis: Where's the manager?

Manager: (sticks head onto set) What?

Artemis: Does this show use a bank account, or something else?

Manager: (looking confused) Huh? Why?

Host: (looks scared) Uhhh…Nevermind. We don't need you anymore. (to Artemis) You leave our money _ALONE_!

Foaly: Um…excuse me. EXCUSE ME! _EXCUSE ME_!

(Everyone stops talking, looks at Foaly. Manager goes away, looking scared.)

Foaly: THANK you. Now, then. What was the question again?

Host: What is Foaly's favorite Mud Man TV show? And I_ still_ haven't had my question answered. What is Mud Man?

Holly: Er…I'll tell you later.

Foaly: AHEM! Ahm…Wheel of Fortune?

Host: Nope. Sorry.

Holly: Foaly, that question was about _YOU_!

Foaly: So?

Holly: So you should know your own favorite Mud Man TV show!

Foaly: Uh…yeah.

Host: Does anyone else know the answer?

Holly: Isn't it Jeopardy?

Host: Yes, it is.

Artemis: That was perfectly obvious, the reason being that Foaly entered our names into Jeopardy, not any other show.

Holly: Then why didn't you answer the question?

Artemis: Because you didn't give me time. I had just opened my mouth when you shouted out the answer.

Holly: Whatever. Foaly Personality for 1000.

Host: You better tell me later. What is Foaly's favorite Mud Man computer game?

Holly: FreeCell.

Host: Right.

Holly: Foaly Personality for 2000.

Host: What is Foaly's favorite activity besides working on technology?

Holly: Isn't it watching Mud Man TV and playing Mud Man computer games?

Host: Yeah.

Holly: Foaly Personality for 5000.

Host: What is Foaly's favorite color?

Holly: Red.

Host: Good.

Holly: Foaly Personality for 10,000.

Host: What would Foaly be if he was not the technician for the LEP?

Audience Member: You mean the EPL!

Host: Yeah, whatever.

Holly: Ummm…well, would he…uh…probably be technician somewhere else?

Host: Yourrrrrrrrrrrrrr'e right!

Holly: Good.

Host: Since Foaly Personality questions are now gone, please pick a dif—

Holly: Yeah, a different category, I KNOW ALREADY!

Host: (looks scared, and backs away a step) Okay.

Holly: Artemis Fowl for two thousand.

Host: On what kind of ship did Artemis hide Holly's locator?

Holly: Umm…a sailboat?

Host: Incorrect. Anyone else?

Artemis: A whaler.

Host: Yes.

Artemis: Artemis Fowl for one thousand.

Host: What symbol in Gnommish stands for the letter R?

Artemis: As I remember, it was a little water drop.

Host: That's right.

Artemis: Artemis Fowl for five hundred.

Host: Fill in the blank: That's right, Mud Boy. Playtime's over. Time for the professionals to take over. If you're a good boy I'll buy you a when I come back.

Artemis: Ugh. I remember that all too well. Do I have to say it?

Host: If you want to get the question right you do.

Artemis: (barely audible) Lollipop.

Host: (smirking) What's that? I can't hear you!

Artemis: Lollipop. (shudders)

Holly: (looks at Artemis and smirks) Well. I thought you didn't like to say that word.

Artemis: (looks dignified) Well, I guess I've gotten over it, haven't I?

Holly: (snorts) Uh-huh. Sure. Whatever.

Artemis: (to Host) Before you can say I need to switch categories, I know that. Artemis Fowl: The Arctic Incident for 1000.

Host: What happened to Holly when she got on the train in the Arctic?

Artemis: (winces) I—er—accidentally cut off her finger with the door.

Host: Right.

Artemis: Artemis Fowl: The Arctic Incident for 2000.

Host: Since there wasn't a radiation suit big enough for Butler, what did he do instead?

Artemis: He used that spray.

Host: Correct.

Artemis: Artemis Fowl: The Arctic Incident for 5000.

Host: What was the name of the lady who Mulch Diggums was taking the Academy Award from the night when Commander Root, Holly, and Artemis found him?

Artemis: If I remember correctly from what he told me, it was…um…Maggie…uh…V? Maggie V?

Host: Very good.

Artemis: Artemis Fowl: The Arctic Incident for 10,000.

Host: What was the name of the Retrieval officer who was killed in a core-diving accident?

Artemis: Wasn't it…Bom Arbles, or something like that?

Host: Yes. Pick a new ca—

Artemis: Miscellaneous for 1000.

Host: What happens when a fairy enters a human dwelling without permission more than once, or when they stay too long in a human dwelling they have entered without permission?

Artemis: I believe they lose their magic.

Host: Right.

Artemis: Miscellaneous for two thousand.

Host: What supposedly happened to Mulch Diggums after he robbed Fowl Manor of a copy of the Booke?

Artemis: Um…did he get hurt?

Host: No. Someone else?

Holly: He apparently died.

Host: Good.

Holly: Miscellaneous for five thousand.

Host: Name the LEP term for technical information.

Holly: Science.

Host: Good.

Holly: Miscellaneous for ten thousand.

Host: This is it, folks! The biggie! Artemis could still win, if he got this question right! Holly could still win, if she got this question right! Foaly, unfortunately, could not win. So, Artemis and Holly are competing! Who will win?

Artemis: Just get to the question, please.

Host: (continued while Artemis is talking) Which of the two contestants will get this question right? No one knows! However, I think—

Holly: _GET TO THE QUESTION ALREADY!_

Host: Um…right. Sorry. Ahem…The Mayak Chemical Train in Artemis Fowl: The Arctic Incident, is otherwise known as...what?

Holly: Um…Oh…I know this…um…ah…er…the…um…green something…green…uh…green train? Green thing? That sounds close to the answer…uh…Oh, forget it, I give up.

Host: You need to have a final answer.

Holly: Oh, drat it all…The Green Thing?

Host: (gleefully) Wrong. Artemis?

Artemis: The Green Machine.

Host: Correct! We're ready for…FINAL JEOPARDY! We'll be back for it after these messages.

(Lights dim and then come up again. We see an old lady sitting in a rocking chair, crocheting. A boy comes up and watches her.)

Old Lady: Why, hello there, son. What are you doing?

Boy: Just watching you…what is that you're doing?

Old Lady: I'm crocheting.

Boy: Oh.

Old Lady: Feel my scarf. It's very soft.

Boy: (feels it) Oooooh. It _is_ soft.

Old Lady: The reason it's so soft is because it's made of HandiKraft Fine Wool.

Boy: Wow!

Old Lady: Yep. And I'm using a HandiKraft's Best Size E Crochet Hook, too.

Boy: Cool!

Old Lady: So you should buy HandiKraft's products. They're very useful, and they make nice, soft scarves and other items. Plus, the pre-made scarves are delightful! They're even better than the ones I make, and I'm not the best scarf-maker since the invention of the scarf for nothing, my boy. HandiKraft—the best handicrafts ever!

(Jeopardy theme music plays, and the host walks on to tumultuous applause from the audience. Artemis, Holly, and Foaly are already at their little podium-like things.)

Host: Hello, and welcome to…FINAL JEOPARDY! We're back, and our contestants are ready to go!

Holly: We're ready to go all right! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! (Starts to bolt off the stage, but a guy in a blue suit to match the set blocks her way. Another guy blocks the other entrance. Holly tries to punch them and they push her back. She takes out her gun and waves it around, then the guys take out their guns and wave them around. The two guys and Holly walk toward each other menacingly, and then the host runs in the middle.)

Host: Stop it! Now! Holly, get back to your place. (Holly waves the gun at him too, but the guys push her back to her podium-thing. She sighs, rolls her eyes and goes.)

Holly: Fine, I guess I may as well go back.

Host: Thank you. (to guys) All right, you can go back to block the entrances now. (Guys leave.) Now then, let's do…FINAL JEOPARDY. Quick, before I lose my mind and cause multiple problems by running around shooting everyone and everything, including all the screens, therefore costing everyone a lot of money and trouble.

Holly: (bows to imaginary admirers) Thank you, thank you. No, no trouble at all. Making people go insane, my specialty.

Artemis: (to Foaly) She's the one who is insane.

Foaly: (nods) Definitely.

Host: Ahem!...Thank you. Now then, can we please proceed? Good. All right, do you all know the rules of…FINAL JEOPARDY?

Holly: Will you stop that…FINAL JEOPARDY stuff already!

Host: (casts pleading looks toward the doorways) Ahm…okay. Sure. Sorry.

Holly: (sweetly) Now, what was the question?

Host: Do you all know the rules of…FI—um, Final Jeopardy?

Holly and Artemis together: No!

Foaly: Yes!

Host: Uh…okay. I'll explain it to Holly and Artemis. You just sit tight, Foaly. Okay, so here's how it goes. I name the category. You bet how much money out of the money you have you want to win or lose. Then I ask the question. You have as long as it takes that song to play to think and write down an answer on a piece of paper I will give you. If you get the question right, you win the amount of money. If you get it wrong, you lose the amount of money. Whoever has the most at the end wins. Got it?

Holly and Artemis: Got it.

Host: Okay. Here's the category: Everything Artemis.

Holly: WHAT!

Host: I said—

Holly: That's not fair! What about ME! I'm here too! I'm sick of everything being Artemis this and Artemis that! Why should it be? According to some people, I don't matter! Well, I've had enough! I'm LEAVING!

(Holly tries to walk off stage, but the guys in blue suits push her back. She glares, but walks back to her stand. She glares at everyone who talks now, especially the host and Artemis.)

Host: All right, let's begin! Foaly, how much do you want to bet?

Foaly: How much _can_ I bet? I don't have anything!

Host: Uh…I believe you can bet up to one thousand.

Foaly: Okay, one thousand then.

Host: Artemis? Your score is—

Artemis: I am perfectly aware of my score. I am keeping track. I will bet thirty-one thousand.

Holly: Divides it neatly in half, doesn't he? Probably never had any sense for betting.

Host: Holly?

Holly: (glares and doesn't say anything)

Host: Holly, come on. You're holding up the game.

Holly: (rolls eyes) Fifty thousand.

Host: Okay, so…are you ready for the question?

Foaly: Yep, you betcha!

Artemis: I suppose.

Holly: (snorts, glares and says nothing)

Host: (looks a little shaken) Um, okay. So, here it is: Who does Artemis Fowl like?

(Music starts, but Holly glares at the speaker and it cuts off.)

Artemis: I BEG YOUR PARDON!

Host: Who does Artemis Fowl like? That's the question! Now start answering. You only have 'til the song ends, you know.

(Song starts again.)

Artemis: That is _NOT_ a Jeopardy question!

Holly: Yeah! (blushes) I mean, uh…

Artemis: That is a PERSONAL question, and I don't intend to answer it!

Host: Just write your answer on your little paper, please. The song's almost over.

(Holly and Artemis write nothing, looking everywhere but at each other. Foaly, however, scribbles something on his paper, too intent to notice them both glaring at him. Song ends.)

Host: Time's up! Let me see your papers, please. (Takes Artemis' paper.) Tsk tsk, nothing. I'm sorry, Artemis, you lose half your money.

(Artemis glares at him, says nothing. Host walks over to Holly, takes her paper.)

Host: Nothing for you, either. Not a lucky day for you, is it? You have one thousand left. What a pity.

(Holly glares too, and also says nothing. Host walks over and takes Foaly's paper.)

Host: Well! Foaly has an answer! And the answer is…Holly Short! Good job, Foaly, that's correct! One thousand points to Foaly!

(Holly's eyes widen at this, and she freaks out.)

Holly: That's it! I've had it! **_GET THEM, ARTEMIS!_**

(Artemis, Holly, and Foaly all jump down from their stands. Foaly runs away, and Holly chases him, while Artemis goes after the host.)

Host: (talking very fast) Uh, that's all for now. SeeyoulateronJeopardybye! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!

(Runs away fast. They all run around the stage, Holly chasing Foaly and Artemis chasing the host. Holly catches up to Foaly after a minute, and sits on him and punches him repeatedly. Artemis trips the host, grabs him by the ankle so he can't get away, and starts punching him, too.)

Holly: (looks at Artemis while still punching Foaly) Nice punch.

Artemis: Thanks. I've been practicing.

(Host and Foaly signal to each other and suddenly break free. Artemis and Holly start to chase them, then look at each other, nod, and stop. They quietly go back to their stands. Foaly and the host then peek around the corner, and look relieved to see Artemis and Holly there. They look at each other and then come out, looking scared.)

Host: Um…have you calmed down now? That hurt.

Holly: Yeah. There's one thing I have to ask you, though.

Host: What?

Holly: Well, two things actually.

Host: Uh…(looks around as though pleading with someone to help) Fire away.

Holly: First of all, did you and Foaly plan this together?

Host: Er…will you hit me if I don't tell you?

Holly: I'll take that as a yes.

Host: Um…yeah.

Holly: Second question: Where did you get all the information about our adventures and stuff?

Host: (looks relieved) From the books.

Holly: (narrows eyes) What do you mean, "from the books?"

Host: You know, the Artemis Fowl books. (Holly still looks confused and suspicious, and the host sighs.) Artemis Fowl. Artemis Fowl: The Arctic Incident. Artemis Fowl: The Eternity Code. The _books_. (Goes into another room and comes back waving them.) Here. See?

(Holly takes them, and leafs through them. She looks more worried with everything she sees.)

Holly: Oh NO. This is not good. Not good at all.

Artemis: Let me see those. (Grabs them away from her.)

Holly: (takes them back) Give those back, you—you—

Artemis: (grabs them again) I just want to look at them. (Looks through. Artemis now looks worried too.) Oh. I see what you mean.

Holly: (grabs the books again) Now, if you'll EXCUSE me, I have to show Commander Root what's going on. (talking into helmet) Commander Root. Commander Root, do you read me?

Commander Root: (from inside helmet) Yes. Captain Short, what's wrong?

Holly: We have—well, it's not exactly Class A, because it's not technology, but it's certainly dangerous. Take a look. (Turns helmet-cam to look at books and turns pages.) See?

Commander Root: Oh. Great, just great. I'll have to call in Retrieval One. (to unseen person) Get Retrieval One, we have a situation here. Oh, _where_ is that uppity centaur when I need him?

Holly: Er…he's right here, sir.

Commander Root: Here? Where's "here?" And what are you and he and goodness knows who else doing there? Why aren't you _here_, at the LEP headquarters, in your office?

Holly: Um…we were called away, sir.

Artemis: They were playing Jeopardy.

Commander Root: What the heck is Jeopardy? And what's HE doing wherever-it-is?

Artemis: I was playing Jeopardy with them.

Commander Root: This doesn't sound good. And I still don't know what Jeopardy is. The name sounds familiar, now that I think about it, but I don't know where I've heard it.

Holly: It's Foaly's favorite Mud Man TV show. That's probably where you've heard it before.

Commander Root: MUD MAN! Mud Man TV—You were on a MUD MAN TV show!

Holly: Uh, yeah. So?

Commander Root: So! SO! SO, IT COULD HAVE BLOWN OUR COVER, THAT'S _SO_! JUST THE SIMPLE MATTER OF ONE LITTLE ACCIDENT BY ONE FAIRY, AND THE WORK OF YEARS CAN AND WILL BE DESTROYED, AND YOU LOUNGE AROUND ABOVEGROUND ON A _MUD MAN TV SHOW_!

Holly: Uh…Foaly entered us.

Foaly: Uh-oh…see you guys later.

Holly: Get back here! (grabs him by the scruff of the neck) This was _your_ fault in the first place! No "uh-oh, see you guys later" for YOU!

Commander Root: Foaly! FOALY! You mean to tell me that—that—that BLASTED UPPITY NO-GOOD CENTAUR ENTERED YOU INTO THIS TV SHOW!

Holly: Um…uh-huh. (mutters) Hoo boy. This is going to be a doozie.

Commander Root: YOU…I…WHAT…WHO…WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO?

Holly: Artemis. He wanted me to tell you that it was his fault, but I said I wouldn't want to do that.

Artemis: Hey!—

Commander Root(interrupting): I knew you liked him. Oh, well. He's in trouble anyway. No special favors for your boyfriend.

Holly: WHAT! THERE IS NO WAY THAT I WOULD EVER-

Artemis: Holly! Stop punching me!

Holly: I WASN'T PUNCHING YOU. AND DON'T INTERRUPT!

Artemis: Yes you were! With every word!

Holly: Why you little—

Artemis: You were!

Holly: No, I wasn't!

Foaly: Yes you were.

Commander Root: Holly—

Holly: I think I would know if I was punching you!

Commander Root: Holly—

Holly: WHAT!

Commander Root: Um.. Oh.. yeah.. maybe I should just call later.

Holly: Oh, just tell me now.

Commander Root: I wanted to speak with Artemis, but it sounds like you'll bite my head off if I ask.

Artemis: Give me that! Hello?

(Holly turns up volume without Artemis knowing)

Commander Root: So anyway—

Artemis: Owww!(Throws off helmet) Holly!

Holly(Innocently): Yes?

Commander Root: -I have some personal files you left here. Something about Holly and that first adventure or something. Anyway you can give it back to Holly now.

Holly: Artemis!

Artemis: Ummm… Gotta go.

(Artemis tries to run off stage and gets grabbed by guards.)

Host: Oh, just let him leave! That's all for Jeopardy. See ya' next time!

(Announcer walks off. Artemis is carried off by guards. Holly takes out gun and follows.)

Holly: Artemis. You will tell! If it's the last thing I do I will make you tell about that darned file!

(Artemis runs back on screaming and Holly follows doing the same thing)

Holly: FOWL! TELL ME NOW OR YOU'RE DEAD!(Guards run on and pursue Holly) Aaahh!

(Holly starts shooting and Foaly starts screaming. Guards return fire and host runs across stage yelling.)

Host: IT'S GOOD THIS JOB PAYS!

(Just then there is a knock at a previously unseen door.)

Trouble: (from outside the door) Pizza! Just kidding, Retrieval! Gettem', boys!

Grub: (whining) Why?

Trouble: Because I said so, _Corporal_!

Grub: Fine!

(Retrieval team come in. They start examining everything.)

Retrieval Guy #1: Can we see those books please?

Host: What for?

Retrieval Guy #1: What do you think? They're dangerous Mud Man stuff!

Host: What are you talking about? And WHAT THE HECK IS MUD MAN!

Retrieval Guy #1: Duh, a human!

Host: If being a human is so dangerous then what the heck are you!

Retrieval Guy #2: Who are you?

Host: I'm the host of Jeopardy, as that horse guy says "The MudMan Show.".

Retrieval Guy #1: Oh great! Now we have to erase his memory!

Retrieval Guy #2: Way to go Ash!

Retrieval Guy #1: Oh, as if its my fault?

Retrieval Guy #3: It IS your fault! And all the people in the audience are probably Mud People too!

Artemis: I believe you are using bad grammar, like certain other people. (Glares at Host)

Retrieval Guy #1: Will you stay out of it! You're the People's worst enemy for goodness sake!

Artemis: Rage is no excuse for using bad grammar.

Retrieval Guy #1: Yes it is!

(Holly comes back on stage.)

Holly: ARTEMIS! TELL ME NOW!

Artemis: Oh no. I have to go now. (Runs off screaming chased by Holly who is shooting at everything in her path except Artemis. And Foaly.)

Artemis(Screaming): You are using bad grammar!

Holly: (Stops chasing him) Who the devil are you talking to?

Artemis: The narrator.

Holly: You're not allowed to talk to him. We don't know he exists remember?

Artemis: Well, no one is supposed to know you exist either, now are they?

Holly: Oh right.

Artemis: Are you feeling alright? You never agree with me.

Holly: Well you never shout. Except when I shoot at you.

Artemis: You weren't shooting at me. You were shooting at everything else and—. Hey! Why _weren't_ you shooting at me!

Holly: Ummm… Uh…Er…How about I won't tell you if you don't tell me, okay?

Artemis: No, I'm far too curious for that!

Holly: Fine, but you have to go first!

Artemis: Why?

Holly: Because your thing came first.

Artemis: But my thing will take longer to say.

(Foaly runs by being chased by Retrieval Guys.)

Foaly: OH, JUST SOMEONE SAY SOMETHING!

Holly: Alright already. I don't want to kill you—

Artemis(Interrupting): But you always say you want to kill me.

Holly: Don't interrupt! And you used bad grammar! Ha ha ha!

Artemis: Get back to what you were saying.

Holly: What? Oh, right. As I was saying before I was so RUDELY interrupted(Glares at Artemis) I don't want to kill you because I kind of, sort of, well, I—

Artemis: Try complete sentences.

Holly: Forget it! I can't seem to speak. You first!

Artemis: Okay. The files are a type of diary—

Holly: You! With a diary! I never expected you to be that foofy!

Artemis: It's not foofy! And I certainly can't tell someone the things I write down.

Holly: Still, a diary? Maybe a journal or a notebook. But, a diary?

Artemis: Those are all the same thing! Oh, well! Call it whatever you want. Anyway, the file Commander Root has is from that first adventure.

Holly: If I may intervene?

Artemis: Interrupt.

Holly: Whatever! Do you think he read it?

Artemis: Probably. Uh oh…

Holly: Not good.

Artemis: Oh, well. We'll deal with that later. Anyway, it has something in it about you…

Holly: And?

Artemis: Oh, I can't speak either. Here just read it. (Hands her bundle of paper) Here's a copy.

Holly: Why do you carry this around with you?

Artemis: Ummm…Because?

Holly: Whatever.

(Holly reads first page and flips to second. Her mouth gapes open. Every time she turns the page her mouth gets wider. She finishes and looks up at Artemis, still gaping. Artemis has gone pale.)

Artemis: Well?

Holly: I… You… The…

(Artemis nods and turns from white to crimson so fast it's not normal.)

Holly: Wha-…the-…i-…bu-…

Artemis(weakly): Your turn..

Holly: Um… Same…Not twelve pages of it, but same.

(Whole time a fight was going on around them. Foaly accidentally beans Holly with a gun. She faints.)

Artemis: Figures. She's dead.

Foaly: And you say that you're a genius. She's only fainted. But, she's not breathing. Someone needs to perform CPR on her.

Artemis: Why is everyone looking at me?

Foaly: I'm the only person looking at you, Fowl.

Artemis: Oh, um, right.

Foaly: Now that you mention it, I have no idea how to do this and you do.

Artemis: Don't even think about it.

Foaly: Fine! Spoil my fun! Does anyone know CPR!

(No one answers.)

Foaly: Artemis?

Artemis: Oh, fine.(Artemis begins to walk off right.)

Foaly: Um, Fowl? She's right here.

Artemis: Don't you think I know that!

(Artemis kneels next to Holly and begins pumping her chest. He is, however spared the next step as she comes to.)

Holly: Wha- what happened?

Artemis: You fainted.

Foaly: And Artemis saved you.

Holly: And just how did he do that?

Foaly: CPR.

Holly: Just as I thought. One minute. (Turns to Artemis.) Artemis?

Artemis: Y-yes?

Holly: Hold still. (Holly pauses a moment and then punches him in the jaw and sends him sprawling.) All Done.

Artemis: Why am I not sur-, ow, surprised.

Holly: Well, after that bonehead move how could I not hit you?

Artemis: Your hardest yet. Including when I kidnapped you. Congratulations. Now then, you are jumping to conclusions. You weren't unconscious long enough for anything except chest-pumping, and furthermore Foaly forced me.

Holly: Whatever. That was fun anyways.

Artemis: But… What…I…I thought—

Holly: Don't stammer. It doesn't look good. By the way bad grammar. Oh, and by the way way, Foaly, look behind you.

(Foaly turns around and sees Retrival Guys #1-9.)

Foaly: Oh for the love of- Why do you all pick on me?

(Once Foaly is gone Holly grabs Artemis by the scruff of the neck.)

Holly (Whispering): If you ever tell _anyone_ about this I swear that I'll rip out your stomach and feed it to Beetroot! No matter how much I like you, you _will_ pay if this gets out!

Artemis: But—

Holly: (warningly) MUD BOY—

Artemis: You could call me Artemis, you know. After all—

Holly: Shhhhh!

Artemis: Come on! I mean—

Holly: DON'T SAY IT!

Artemis: But, seriously, I mean, if—

Holly: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! (Gets up and pulls her gun out. Artemis gets up too and runs away. Holly chases him, waving her gun around and shrieking threats.)

Holly: MUD BOY, IF YOU—

Artemis: Call me Artemis! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

(They chase each other around the stage. Meanwhile…)

Foaly: (over his shoulder, while running) Go after somebody else, for a change! Come on! Get away! Shoo! Shoo!

Retrieval Guy #1: We're not chickens, you know.

Foaly: I'd say you are.

R etrieval Guy #1: Why, you—Let's get him!

Foaly: AAAAAH! (Retrieval guys chase him around the stage, while Holly is chasing Artemis around the stage. Host, at the first sign of danger, had disappeared into the door. Now he opens another door, and tentatively peeks around it.)

Host: Oh boy. Ahem. Ahem! AHEM!

(Everyone freezes in mid-move.)

Host: That's better. Now then—

Holly: You didn't hear that, did you?

Artemis: Of course he didn't.

Holly: Oh, shush. I wasn't asking _you_.

Artemis: Well, that's a nice way to treat me. After all—

Holly: _QUIET! _

Host: No, I didn't hear it. Anyway, as I was saying...Um, what was I saying?

Holly: How are we supposed to know? All I want to know is if you're telling the truth about hearing. Because if you heard, I will rip you limb to limb. And then I will tell Ar—um, the Mud Boy to steal from your show.

Artemis: Oh, now he's _really_ going to tell you if he heard.

Holly: Be quiet!

Artemis: If you think you can treat me that way while—

Holly: AAAAAAAH! Why do you keep trying to tell them?

Host, Foaly, and Retrieval Guys: Tell us what?

Holly: Um, nothing.

Foaly: Oh, is it nothing? Or is it, maybe, that you…

Holly: It's NOTHING! And don't say what you think it is, because you're probably right!

Artemis: Um, Holly…

Foaly: Ah-hah! I'm probably right, am I? Now I know for sure.

Artemis: Nice going, Holly. Now _you've_ told them, without my even saying a word.

Holly: I…uh…

(Foaly whispers into the host's ear. The host's mouth drops open and he stares and Foaly. Foaly nods.)

Foaly: Pass it on.

(Host whispers into Retrieval Guy #1's ear. Retrieval Guy #1's eyes go round and he looks at Foaly.)

Foaly: You pass it on, too.

(The secret continues on down the line. When the last person by coincidence, Grub is finished staring, he leans over to whisper to Holly.)

Foaly: Not her, nitwit!

Grub: I will file a complaint. You can't call me nitwit!

Foaly: Oh yes I can. Nitwit! Nitwit! Nitwit! Nitwit!

(Grub starts to walk off.)

Trouble: Get back here, Corporal!

Grub: Why? I have to file a complaint. He called me nitwit!

Trouble: Would you rather file a complaint about a minor insult, or keep fairies safely hidden?

Grub: It's not a minor insult! He called me nitwit!

Trouble: Stop nit-picking!

Grub: I'm not nit-picking, I'm not a nitwit! Wait a minute, what's nit-picking?

Trouble: It's what nitwits do, what else?

Grub: I'M NOT A NITWIT! AND I'LL FILE A COMPLAINT THAT YOU CALLED ME THAT TOO!

Trouble: Sorry, didn't mean it. Couldn't resist. Nit-picking is when you correct someone about something that doesn't matter to the overall point.

Grub: Fine, I'll take the complaint back.

Trouble: How about just not filing it in the first place?

Grub: That's no fun!

Trouble: AAAARGH! I GIVE UP! (begins banging his head on the wall)

Holly: One more bites the dust.

Artemis: Just how many have "bitten the dust" so far?

Holly: Um…let's see…(counts on her fingers)Um, does anyone have a calculator?

Artemis: I withdraw the question.

Holly: Okay. Where were we? Oh, yes, punching the lights out of Foaly.

Foaly: Um…seeyalaterbye! (Foaly starts to run off)

Holly: Oh no, you don't!

Artemis: It's that way. (Points the opposite way as Foaly is running)

Holly: (turns on Artemis) And YOU! Helping him escape!

Artemis: Call me Artemis!

Holly: AAAAAARGH! (Chases him with gun. Retrieval Team look at each other, then start chasing Foaly again.)

Foaly: Hey! What—I just told you a secret!

Retrieval Guy #1: Yeah, and now she'll kill us all for it!

Foaly and Artemis: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!

Holly and Retrieval Team: AAAAAARGH!

(All run off stage, either chasing or being chased. There is a knock at yet another door.)

Commander Root: Hello?

(Silence for a minute. Commander Root opens the door cautiously and looks around.)

Commander Root: Hello? Where is everybody?

Foaly: (comes in panting and looking over shoulder every two seconds) Oh, Commander. What are you doing here?

Commander Root: (sarcastically) Um…fulfilling my duty as Commander and helping with the mission. What else?

Foaly: Um…oh.

Commander Root: So, where is everybody?

Foaly: Uh…

Commander Root: And what did I miss?

THE END

Alternate Ending:

Artemis: I withdraw the question.

(Holly pays him no attention and grabs a calculator. Trouble is still banging his head on the wall. Foaly runs in and out being chased by the Retrieval team and yelling. Artemis begins reading out loud from the diary, and Grub is still yelling about filing a complaint.)

Grub: I WILL FILE A COMPLAINT! YOU CAN'T CALL ME NITWIT! DO YOU HEAR ME! YOU CAN'T CALL ME NITWIT!

(He starts to walk off and bumps into Commander Root, who is walking in.)

Grub: Uh, um, sorry Commander.

Trouble: (continues banging head, then suddenly stops in mid-bang, straightens, and looks hurriedly at the commander. He salutes.) Uh, oh, sorry, sir, reporting for duty, sir, yessir, sorry, sir…

Holly: (finishes punching numbers into the calculator) Okay, two thousand, four hundred and eighty-three have bitten the dust—WHAT ARE YOU SAYING, MUD BOY?

Artemis: (stands up) Call me Artemis! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!

(Holly chases Artemis. Retrieval team are still chasing Foaly. Trouble begins banging head again, and Grub walks toward the door. Holly shoots at Artemis every other step she takes.)

Root: HOLD EVERYTHING!

(Everybody freezes in mid—well, mid-whatever they're doing. Holly, Artemis, and the Retrieval team all stop running, Trouble stops banging, and Grub turns around. Foaly, however, is not so lucky. He has gotten caught halfway through a leap. He comes down from it rather guiltily, and Root looks at him sternly.)  
Root: WHAT DID I SAY, FOALY!

Foaly: Um, hold everything?

Root: Yes. Thank you. Now then…first of all: Fowl, what did you say?

Artemis: Um…call me Artemis?

Root: Before that.

Artemis: Uh…I withdraw the question?

Root: After that.

Artemis: Um, er…nothing.

(He hides the diary behind his back very obviously. Root grabs it.)

Root: Thank you.

(He reads it. When he is finished, he bursts out laughing.)

Root: (between peals of laughter) Hah—ha—I—knew it! Captain—Short—and—the Mud—Boy! Ha—ha!

(He finally stops laughing.)

Root: Now, I—

(He is interrupted by a door opening. Chix Verbil comes through it.)

Chix: (to Artemis): I challenge you to a duel!

Artemis: Okay, but you'll lose, because I have more brain power than you do. May the Force be with me!

(He puts his hand up in midair and starts using the Force. Then he pulls out a purple lightsaber and starts swinging it. Chix pulls out a red one and very clumsily defends himself. Artemis is doing very fancy jumps and twirls, and appears to be a master at this, while Chix seems to have no clue what he's doing.)

Chix: (still clumsily swinging at Artemis) Hey! Hey! Stop it! Leave off! Leave off!

Artemis: (also still fighting) Never! You killed my father!

Chix: No, Artemis! I AM your father!

(Mr. Fowl sticks his head in. Chix takes advantage of the distraction to run away.)

Mr. Fowl: No,_ I'm_ his father!

Artemis: No, he is!

Mr. Fowl: No, I am!

Artemis: No, he is!

Chix: (to Mr. Fowl) You're his father!

Artemis: (to Chix) But I thought you said—

Chix: I was following the movie, duh!

(Artemis looks confused.)

Mr. Fowl: Now, that's settled. Okay, so—

(Holly comes over, waving her arms as she speaks.)

Holly: No, no! Cut! CUT! Wrong movie! Everyone back to your places!

(Everyone goes back to where they were when Commander Root stopped laughing. Mr. Fowl and Chix leave.)

Holly: Okay, let's try again. Let's see…Mud Boy, start from—

Artemis: Call me Artemis! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH! (runs off. Holly starts chasing him, as before.)

Holly: (while running) That'll do just fine.

(Retrieval team starts chasing Foaly again. Trouble begins banging head again, and Grub walks toward the door. Holly shoots at Artemis every other step she takes.)

Root: HOLD EVERYTHING!

(Everybody freezes in mid—well, mid-whatever they're doing. Holly, Artemis, and the Retrieval team all stop running, Trouble stops banging, and Grub turns around. Foaly, however, is not so lucky. He has gotten caught halfway through a leap. He comes down from it rather guiltily, and Root looks at him sternly.)  
Root: WHAT DID I SAY, FOALY!

Foaly: Um, hold everything?

Root: Yes. Thank you. Now then…first of all: Fowl, what did you say?

Artemis: Um…call me Artemis?

Root: Before that.

Artemis: Uh…I withdraw the question?

Root: After that.

Artemis: Um, er…nothing.

(He hides the diary behind his back very obviously. Root grabs it.)

Root: Thank you.

(He reads it. When he is finished, he bursts out laughing.)

Root: (between peals of laughter) Hah—ha—I—knew it! Captain—Short—and—the Mud—Boy! Ha—ha!

(He finally stops laughing.)

Root: Now, I have just one teensy little question, Foaly.

Foaly: (looking around nervously, as though looking for someone to help him) Um, what?

Root: WHAT HAPPENED HERE!

Foaly: Uh…

Root: And one more teensy little question.

Foaly: (looking really scared) What?

Root: Did I miss something?

The End


End file.
